As a first-time parent, I was just trying to do everything right. Keeping my child fed, cleaned, and loved were top of mind 24/7. My marriage was not. When my husband of 14 years asked for a divorce a year into parenthood, I was taken by surprise.
We were never pegged as the couple who would part ways. We had always braved storms with grace.
But parenthood is a beast unlike another. It’s demanding, it’s relentless, it’s unforgiving. I had to make a choice.
Read more about my journey from being a mom to becoming a wife again at The Good Men Project’s feature. How To Let Your Husband Be A Father.
Save your money this Valentine’s Day
If you’re one of those men still looking for a Valentine’s Day gift, then you’re in luck! Hop on over to The Good Men Project for the perfect idea!
Hint: read between the lines in this image.
Ladies, you’re welcome!
And if you concur with the advice in.
Love vs. Valentine’s Day
When I make heart-shaped magnets for distribution at my daughter’s Valentine-themed pre-school class this week, I do so under duress.
When she gets excited about decorating “vantine day” cards, I smile reluctantly.
When she asks if she’ll get to cut a cake (because all momentous occasions require the customary round dessert with candles atop), I sigh.
I don’t want her to be different…to be the odd one out in her still-forming social circle.
I want her to enjoy innocent exchanges of happiness. I want her to make her own choices, reach her own decisions about what she wants to support or boycott.
Growing up, I never knew of Valentine’s Day … It was in the late 1990s, when Archies, the Indian-version of Hallmark, introduced Valentine’s Day cards and plush toys in bookstores.
Suddenly, boys everywhere started going down on one knee, a single red rose in hand, asking random girls on sidewalks to be their Valentine.
They weren’t looking for love, or even cared for friendship. They probably didn’t even know what the word Valentine meant or signified. It was trendy and they wanted to partake. Most girls loved the attention. Most parents were outraged.
I was at the receiving end of many a card and pink teddy bear but I always crushed my suitors’ souls with ease. It felt shallow, meaningless, frivolous.
It felt forced.
My daughter’s exposure to, and experience with, this day will be vastly different. She’ll know of it as a day one exchanges heart-shaped stickers, stamps, erasers, Pinterest-inspired sun catchers…
She’ll know of it as an occasion to make red and pink and rainbow-colored cards for her friends, teachers, parents, grandparents, cousins, neighbors…
As she grows older, she’ll see a deluge of heart-shaped chocolates, pre-fixed menus, the ubiquitous dozen long-stemmed “premium” red roses…
From a simple note a guy wrote in jail for his beloved, to a no-expenses barred extravaganza … She’ll likely read about, observe and participate in it all.
And I hope she will remember that love is much more than all of this.
That love is quiet and strong and spontaneous. It is self-sufficient and compassionate and all-embracing.
That love can find expression in flowers bought on a whim. That it can take the form of an unasked-for hug or an unexpected kiss. That love doesn’t always have to be of the romantic variety.
That love doesn’t need money. Or rituals. Or social recognition.
I hope she will recognize that love isn’t a prisoner to one day in February.
One day
I will have the time
to paint, watch movies,
garden, walk,
swim, do yoga.
One day
I will have the time
to sit in the sun,
lounge, eat dessert before dinner,
nap at 4 p.m.
One day
I will spend four hours
in the kitchen crafting
a delicious
five-course meal.
One day
I will have the time
to meet with friends
for lunch or tea
without a toddler in tow.
One day
I won’t have
to worry about
planning my day
or doing anything
in a particular order.
One day
I will travel the world
without worrying
about school breaks
or impending deadlines.
One day
I will have time…
For now, I’m enjoying
the cuddles, the laughs,
the silliness
along with relentless questions, demands and sleeplessness.
For now, I’m relishing
The free hugs and new words
Along with teething pains and
Dropping everything to chase birds.
For now, I’m marveling at
The sponginess of the brain;
The freedom, the curiosity,
And hopping on the Happy Train!
For now is all I have
One day will come when it will
For now is what I hold tight
For now is where I dwell.
Tips for parenting and marriage
I’m not a parenting expert but I’ve met many a “tips guru” in the last 22 months of being a mom, enough to know my ears are best covered when they’re around.
The advice I’ve received has ranged from ridiculous to borderline crazy. It’s not that people are being particularly asinine. It’s just that none of their suggestions are helpful. They say things that wouldn’t, in a million years, work for me or my family. And nobody cares to give you the real deal.
So, if you are a new mom and want to know what really works, head on over to where I share what no one else has told you, yet.
